Updated: Jan 15
I was sitting with my friend Matthew one cozy evening enjoying an extra dirty martini at Grand Cru, chatting about our “types”. I jokingly said, “I really don’t have a type. People always want to try and define it or make sense of it, but I’m really only attracted to the person if there’s a deep spiritual connection and intellectual conversation.” Matthew now laughing says, “You’re sapiosexual.” Confused, I responded, “Wait what is sapiosexual?” Matthew told me that sapiosexual is when you find intelligence sexually attractive or arousing. I couldn’t agree with him more. He was spot on. Not even in a romantic way, but in a human-to-human way.
These are the people I find myself gravitating toward most in life. So, I guess if you want to define it, there you have it folks; sapiosexual is yet another label one can be classified as in a label-loving world. Regardless of whom you like, sapiosexuality has no limitations. For example, I might consider myself sapiosexual while being attracted to men; you might consider yourself sapiosexual and be attracted to women.
Beauty is fleeting, and surface-level conversation is particularly lackluster to me. Intelligence is simply without a shadow of a doubt the most important quality in a partner in my opinion. If you were to ask me why I guess when I dig deep and really ponder this preference it is because I enjoy learning. I seek knowledge on a daily basis for personal growth and development. Don’t get me wrong, looks are great and there is certainly something to be said about the unique features of a person, but a relationship built on attraction isn’t sustainable long term. To be fascinated by and infatuated with someone’s raw perspective and outlook on life is an evolved approach to dating.
Although I am partial to men, I did date a girl at the age of fifteen for about a year and some change. This will come as a shock to many, but it’s my life and I’m not ashamed of my experiences in the slightest. They have shaped me into who I am today. The whole sapiosexual thing makes an immense amount of sense now upon reviewing this time in my life. She was one of the smartest girls in the school and a little bit older than me at the time. Her intellect, quick wit, and worldly knowledge/humor attracted me.
My parents were frustrated with me during this period of my life. Living in the south with my mom working in a salon, gossip is the love language of many, unfortunately. So, to say the least, word traveled fast about my relationship. I guess that’s just how it goes when you live in a small town where some people simply have nothing better to do. These people could have picked up a book or a new hobby and stayed in their own lane but I guess talk was the cheaper route, sadly. These types of people are the exact opposite of sapiosexual, as there is nothing intellectual or intelligent about gossiping on the lives of others. It’s quite repulsive actually, especially when it’s about a minor.
My parents weren’t annoyed with me at the thought of me being gay. They were annoyed at my lack of communication and transparency about what was going on in my life. We always told each other everything, but this was different. When they would ask if I was gay, I always replied with a stern “no.” Because truthfully, I didn’t feel that I was gay. I mean was I in a gay relationship? Yes, but did I identify myself as being gay? No, I did not. Some things in life are hard to define and between the age of 15-16 this was certainly one of them. I was still figuring out who I was as a person, and taking that process one day at a time. Which truthfully is all you really can do.
I still don’t define myself as gay to this day. Am I sapiosexual though? Yes, sure. It wasn’t that I was attracted to a female, I was attracted to a human and their intelligence. I was attracted to a soul, not the body that housed said, soul. I was attracted to the depth of each conversation and the feelings of expanding my own awareness. This may be hard for some people to digest or make sense of. But perhaps my life isn’t for you to make sense of if my own personal choices don’t resonate with you. Not everything in life is meant to make sense or be entirely definitive. If an artist displays their painting at a local gallery, one individual can be repulsed by the image while the next person thinks it's the most magnificent work of art they have ever seen in their life. Neither of the subjections takes away from the picture or changes the picture in any way. The picture just is.
If this does resonate with you, however, wonderful! Then you can agree that looks are nice, but they're not everything. This community is bound to confuse people as we are not marginalized the way other sexual orientations are. I am still Christian and I still like men. I seek wisdom from God daily and I believe that this wisdom sometimes comes to us in human form. So, there you have it. I am attracted to knowledge, insight, and aptitude. I am a sapiosexual individual.
Are You Attracted to Intelligence? You Might Be Sapiosexual
July 21, 2022
Photos by Cameron Smith https://www.creativitytheory.org/ IG: @cumsmut
My IG: @bloomiebrained